| Friday, July 29th, 2005 |
| 8:19 pm |
so i havent updated in so long. i have been so busy and so much has happend its been crazy. because of my last entry and how popular it was i decided to lay low for a while and not publicaly display my thoughts and feelings. i got a new job at petland and it is awesome. the money isnt worth singing about but the environment and people are amazing. im only a cashier so i dont do to much but its fun. with the job also came a new boy. hes the nicest boy i have ever met in my whole life. he works in the fish department and its cute because we can work and flirt and its fun. things about our personalities dont exactly mesh well but i like him and he likes me and thats all that matters.we have fun and we are cute together. things with friends have been crazy. j and i went through a really rocky time. but we are fine now and better than ever. we are leaving for victoria on tuesday. so excited. two weeks of no stress. no drama. and no misquitoes. CANT WAIT. it is a much needed vacation for both j and i. i got a puppy!! yey. shes so cute and i love love love her. shes mine and janelles. we are going to share her like divorced parents. haha. her name is ciarra and we dance to one two step together. EVERYONE COME AND SEE HOW CUTE MY PUPPY IS!!! i love k. i miss L. sad about friends lost. enjoying my summer. making and spending money. things are good right now and i feel great. went to avril lavigne on monday with j and we had so much fun screaming and singing and holding hands and meeting a cute boy. love love love her. avril is so hot. lost touch with lots of people. miss you. [say hi] Current Mood:  chipperCurrent Music: mixed tape- butch walker |
| Sunday, May 1st, 2005 |
| 1:31 pm |
ive lost her. and i will never get her back. she said to me that she cant believe we were ever best friends and she doesnt think she can ever talk to or trust me again. im empty inside. i miss her already and my head hurts from crying so much. i feel as if i have cried out all the tears i have inside. i need to go for a drive. clear my head. but im scared to drive i dont know what might happen. my vision is blurred behind tears. i need her back. this is the worst pain ever. i cant do it without her. im sorry i didnt tell you about e but i couldnt break your heart like he did. i didnt have it in me to look you in the eye and say those words. i couldnt bring myself to do it. and now i will suffer the consequences. im sorry. i dont know what else to say except im sorry. ive lost you and i dont think i will ever get you back. but you have to understand that i couldnt hurt you like that. i couldnt break your heart. i love you too much to see you go through that pain again. if that makes me a bad friend then i dont know how to be a good one. i dont know what else to say. an explanaition will not bring you back. nothing will. not even my tears. i love you. im sorry. good-bye. |
| Friday, April 29th, 2005 |
| 12:38 pm |
~ok so im at school and the 30 hour famine started this morning at 845. i get to sleep at the school and watch movies and play games. im excited. the only hard part so far is seeing other people eat delicious cinnomon buns and i can't have any. im sooo hungry. how am i going to last 30 hours. aahhh. well at least i have someone to keep my mind off the food. and thats janelle! later im going to braid her hair in corn rows so she looks even more like a little black girl. can't wait. i'll post a picture when it's done so you can see. i can't wait till tomorrow at 3 because we get to have a huge barbeque with hot dogs and hamburgers..mmmm i can't wait! ~as of right now k and i are in a fight..i think. well we talked about why things have been weird lately but we made no progress. she got all deffensive and started pointing out things she didn't like about me and it made me sad. i know there are things i could fix and change about myself but there are things she could do too. its not all on me. i dont even know what the problem is between us but i know things arent the same. hmm..i dont know what to do anymore. everything i do is wrong. but what can you do. ~school is almost done! wow thats weird to say. and its not like before, before i would say schools done, but only for 2 months. now im done. completely! and i never have to go back if i dont want to. its all up to me. my choice. i can do what i want from here. im so excited. grad is going to be so much fun. i have my dress and home and its making everything seem so real. it makes me think of lots of things. im failing 3 classes and will HOPEFULLY pass in time. it makes me think of what i am going to do in the future and which frienships will last through it all. ~one of my close friends got suspended from school last night for being drunk at the dance. she told another friend that noone liked her and she was going to kill herself. most people brushed it off as being a drunk moment and didnt take it seriously. but one friend didn't let it slip like the others. she told a teacher what she heard and the teacher escorted my friend out of the dance. she has to go to councelling and AFM and im so scared for her. i hope everything turns out ok for her. she's too good to let this ruin things. like graduating and her future. she has a ton of friends, shes just not confident in her self or others. i just want her to know that we are all here for her and we love her so much. LOVE YOU DOLL!! ~i feel weak from not eating and its only been 5 hours!! ahhh 25 hours to go. i dont know if i can make it. janelle almost ate a cinnomon bun..AHH! ~anyways im sure thats enough for one day. i guess i should get back to my school work. have a lot of catching up to do. i like you [leave one] Current Mood: dorkyCurrent Music: Sleeping In - The Format |
| Thursday, April 28th, 2005 |
| 12:00 am |
haven't written a good update in a while. think it's a waste of time when people are going to comment in anonymous and be assholes. i decided to not let them get to me...so here's whats new. i have been stressed with school and the thought of possibly not graduating. it scares me. im so close and to think i wont just because im lazy. i need to pull up my socks. i got my grad dress and it's beautiful. friends are awesome. havent seem a few that i wish i could see on a regular basis. something weird is going on between me and K and im not too sure what it is. tension or something but things are different and i dont know why. janelle is amazing like usual i just wish us being friends wasn't so hard on other people as it seems to be. like her friends making the excuse of not calling because "we figured you would be with hillary". and "we dont talk anymore because your always with janelle" people assume we are the same person but we really aren't. we just hang out A LOT because my most fun times are with her. we do fun and stupid things that i dont do with other people. like get caught for steeling a pylon and then putting it back saying we were just kidding. or trying to egg houses and only getting there drive way. or making funny phone messages and peeing our pants laughing. its not the same with other people. boys are pretty much the same. im not going to lie i have a crush on a boy but am just interested in being friends right now. hes amazing but too shy. and im not up for a relationship right now. being friends seems to be working for now. and working on trying to change my reputation and myself. im done being hurt and its time to be happy. dont care how others look at me. i know who i am and that i have changed. i dont care if they know. walter i need to ask you a very important question. when or if you see this please call me. i dont have your number. mine is 299-7289!! christie cant wait for saturday. you, me and janelle. DANCING it up a storm. Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: Postal Service |
| Monday, April 25th, 2005 |
| 11:40 am |
its a quiet day. lots on the mind. but not much to say. |
| Monday, March 28th, 2005 |
| 11:14 am |
wishing i could start all over...
i dont like myself today. or any other day for that matter. i dont like who i am. i dont like the way others see me. i dont like the way my best friend sees me. i dont like my reputation. i dont like that K turned my sad night into her fight. i dont like that she didnt try to understand. i dont like that she was mad because i needed a night to cry. i dont like that i cry all the time. for different reasons. for no reason at all. i dont like that i cant do anything right. i dont like that we arent talking. i dont like that you dont understand things from my eyes. i dont like that you dont understand me. i dont like the things ive done to you. i dont like the friend i have become. i dont like that i care so much about boys. i dont like that peoples opinions mean way too much to me. i dont like the way i cant get you out of my head. im sorry for the kind of friend that i am. im sorry for the things ive done. im sorry for the nights ive cried. im sorry for the ways ive hurt you. im sorry for not loving you enough to know i was hurting you. im sorry for being rediculous. im sorry for being a horrible friend. and im sorry most of all for being ME! Current Mood:  lonely |
| Saturday, March 19th, 2005 |
| 9:07 pm |
got so drunk last night. went to the hockey game and now i have no voice from screaming so loud. got drunk at the game with hailey and krysta. that was fun! introduced ourselves to cute boys. went to a party after and felt uncomfortable. it was fun anyways. babysitting now. love benny to death. so much fun. making money. going to drop off a slurpee at janelles at 2 in the morning. cant wait. LOVES IT |
| Thursday, March 17th, 2005 |
| 2:46 pm |
ew i hate school projects. expecially math ones. wish school was over. wish it was summer. wish i didnt have to be around all these people. wish i had a boyfriend. wish boys were different. wish this day was over. wish i didnt love a boy that doesnt love me! ew i hate everything Current Mood:  cranky |
| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005 |
| 2:48 pm |
MMM COOKIES!!
so my weekend was good and bad at the same time. did NOTHING thursday night. and when i say nothing i mean nothing at all. had friday off so i did homework and slept. friday night i went to a friends house and got high. it was fun. then mo slept over. it was a good night. we stayed up all night and talked. with the exception of a few hours of sleep. i love that boy. saturday was Drews b day so janelle and i headed over there for some fun! and it was fun! sunday was another homework day. courtney came over and we had a whole debate to prepare i one night. jackie was sad so we went and picked her up and drove around for a bit. looking for things to do. didnt find very much. went home and got picked up by lee. i love him. we talked about our problems and bonded. LOVES IT!! monday morning. DEBATE! was so nervious but we did an awesome job. 95% YO!! tuesday was night school but i didnt want to go so janelle and i mad cookies for the boys we love. i made mine for jake and she made hers for zach. took pictures and got sick of cookie dough. jakes cookies burnt and i think i cried a little bit. now its wednesday and we went to jakes for lunch. haha he loved that we made cookies in the shape of his name. and we took pictures on his picture phone. he loves us. we know it. CAREER LIFE PROJECT due friday. eek. i love janelle. we love slurpees. grad pictures tomorrow. aaahhhh "by the way, you messaged my mom"...hahaha SO FUNNY!! Current Mood:  giddy |
| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005 |
| 10:27 pm |
This Entry is Dedicated to YOU!!
i HATE you! i hate that you care too much about pointless things. i hate that you bleach your hair white. i hate that you make things awkward at school. i hate that you get your friends to call me and ask about your boyfriend. i hate that your a coward. i hate that you bring drama to my life. i hate that your nosey. i hate that your always around. i hate that you turn people against me. i hate that your FAKE. i hate that you make me uncomfortable. i hate that you dont trust me. i hate that your still with him. i hate that you gossip about me. i hate that you dont let your friends be my friends. i hate that you wont GET OVER IT. i hate you and what you bring to my life! Current Mood: frustrated |
| Friday, February 18th, 2005 |
| 12:25 pm |
so i have had an interesting week this week. i found myself more active then usual. which was good. if i wasnt active this week i would have ripped my hair out. last sunday. oh boy janelle. our adventure with value village. too funny. us being creepy and "out of town" value village boys being even creepier! aahhh. monday. valentines day..not a good day for me. sucks actually. but it was good this year. the lack of boyfriend sucked but my single friends made up for it. went for chinese food with janelle jon megs and jess. mm mm mm. so good. went home around 1030 ish i guess....1130 comes around and the coolest boy calls to wish me a happy valentines day. TELLY!! comes over and stays till 5 in the morning...we watched shrek 2 and fear factor..talked and rubbed eachothers backs..so much fun! tuesday. didnt go to school. went to a boys house to get high. shouldnt have..but i did. went home anbd slept till 9. went and picked up janelle. got slurpees. ran into mo (love him) and then got fries. went home and watched the notebook and talk to telly. good night. wednesday. GILMORE GIRLS!! so good. was sad so i went to steves to watch it and cry. got slurpees. went home and cried some more. thursday. got drunk and went bowling. saw wyatt (love him) got kicked out for drinking in the bowling ally. went to mcdicks for a number 5 meal with krysta. then went to jordans to pass out till it was time to go home. fun!! friday..well its friday now so i dont have any stories yet. but i will make some good ones later. NO SCHOOL is fun! boy troubles still exsist but i have decided to not stress. just have fun! i like boys and they dont like me. but im ok. janelle call me later!! Current Mood:  bouncyCurrent Music: Kenny Chesney. i remember |
| Sunday, January 30th, 2005 |
| 11:50 am |
a quiet day...
not much to say today. went to cam's 18th hawiian bday party on friday and had loads of fun. saw the boy i liked there and it was weird. i dont know if we are seeing eachother or just friends that kiss. or JUST friends. kissed a different boy instead and then felt bad afterwards. shouldnt have because the boy i like hasn't told me if he likes me or if we are "together" or even just not with other people. i just need something. not hanging out and kissing. but to be only kissing eachother and noone else or to be together or SOMETHING. anyways the adventures of hillary and her boy problems continue. on a happier note. janelle, megan and i had some fun last night. watched some snowboarding, visited a random tree, went to a party for 10 minutes, saw i boy i miss, went to a scott boys house and went home to sleep. goood times...cranking the country and singing really loud. thats the best. today i have a date with the lovely taryn jacoby. i think im going to buy the notebook and then we will watch it. i like that idea. janelle wants to go to value village but i have to make the sad phone call and tell her i dont have a car till 7. sorry babe! anyways im off to start my day with a little grad dress shopping for krysta. i already got mine:) excited for grad. wish someone special would ask me. dont think he would want to go. but my fingers are crossed. have a good day everyone! Current Mood: content |
| Thursday, January 27th, 2005 |
| 2:49 am |
what to think...
do you ever wonder if there is only one right person out there for you? a soul mate?? is it possible to fall in love more than once? more than twice? how many times is too many? is it possible to think your in love but not really be in love? how do you know when its real love? i have been in love once (i think) he wasnt the guy for me....does that mean he's still out there somewhere? im kind of seeing someone right now. i odnt love him...but what if we fall in love? and then break up? will i love again? how do you know when its a cant live without eachother love, a love that will last a life time? what is love....... so many questions...all still unanswered. Current Mood: lonely |
| Tuesday, January 4th, 2005 |
| 6:01 pm |
new years resolution. took me a while but i have made 5 resolutions for 2005. 1. to eat right. no more fast food and junk. not good. 2. work out. i have gym every second day so that should help. I WILL GET SKINNY! 3. be true. no more gossiping. hurts me and others. 4. to not act so slutty sometimes. no kissing boys at party's when intoxicated. 5. to completely be rid of certain negative people in my life that i can't seem to stay away from. a certain boy for example that is bad news and yet i seem to get caught up in his shit. lets see how long they can last. so far so good. today janelle wore here jursey to school and looked the cutest ever. i have a cheerleading competition this weekend in minniapolis and im sooo excited. me and my favorte little sister are going together. we have so much fun together and i cant wait. we are going to kick ass. GO RAVENS! wish us luck...janelle im going to buy you a cute little present. christie call me so we can hang out ok. 299-7289 Current Mood: bouncyCurrent Music: forever - jessie and the rippers(full house) |
| Thursday, December 30th, 2004 |
| 6:25 pm |
everyhting looks perfect from far away
i didnt want to break his heart and i didnt want my heart to get broken funny how things turn out. im happy on the outside. not so much on the inside. hard to pretend i dont want people to know i dont want people to feel sorry for me im sad. sometimes its nice to get dressed up and go to parties with awesome people and act like nothings wrong. when its more like nothings right. it sucks when you know you have tons of friends that would be by your side if needed but you cant think of one that would actually want to. i needed a friend. i needed a hand to hold. i needed a shoulder to cry on. instead all i had was my own. everything looks so perfect from far away. and then you get up close and realize how messed up they are. sucks to be misunderstood. even after all this. i still dont want to talk about it. still hurts. i wish people would hear me when i say i dont want to talk about it and i will when im ready. im not ready. Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: The Stars |
| Tuesday, October 12th, 2004 |
| 2:45 pm |
leave me out of it!
i hate how you think just because your girlfriend goes to my school now that you can call me up and ask what she did and where she was and who she talked to..thats not what im here for, we are friends but if you think im going to be your friend just so you can have someone spy on your girlfriend well your wrong. so she talked to a boy. who cares you cheat on her all the time and that doesnt seem to bother you very much. grow up and get your priorities srtaight. if you cant trust her enough to talk to boys at school maybe you should be thinking about the kind of relationship you have with her. she trusts you, she shouldnt but she does. maybe you should learn to trust her. JANELLE. i really need you right now. people just dont stop talking and everything is making me upset. and now she goes to our school and its not making things any better. i feel uncomfortable just walking down the halls. she said hi to me today and i freaked out and practically ran away. every day i wake up is worse than the day before. i need to get away. Current Mood: drained |
| Saturday, October 9th, 2004 |
| 6:17 pm |
so today is a better day. im not as sad. my friend and i talked and i think things are better. i love her and i dont think she realizes how sorry i really am. so my exboyfriend had a baby with a girl. and this girl is now going to my shcool. which im not too happy about. shs a nice girl and all but i think shes just going to make things worse. bummer. i need someone to help me make my live journal nice. i dont know how and its ugly. anyone want to help?? Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Wonderwall - Oasis |
| Thursday, October 7th, 2004 |
| 6:13 pm |
last night before i went to bed i cried. why? i dont know. i cry lots lately. last night i didnt sleep. maybe because i cant go to bed knowing tomorrow will be better. because it wont. and guess what. i woke up this morning and it wasnt. it was still full of confussion and hate and lies and gossip. i have so many problems i wouldnt know where to start. i thought i was pregnant and had know one to tell. had to go through it by myslef which was the worst feeling in the world. i couldnt even tell my best friend in fear she would judge me. i bought a pregnancy test and peed on the stick with no one to comfort me. i lost my best friend. i blamed her for the gossip around the school and it wasnt even her fault. people talk and they dont mind there own business. they stick there noses where they dont belong and try to pretend like they understand. WELL YOU DONT. they dont understand at all. and i hate it. im stressed out and no one understand and i feel all alone. maybe if my friend understood everything she wouldnt be mad at me and she would understand what im going through. please try to understand. and walters brother keeps wearing my pants to school. i caught you Jessie...haha Current Mood: frustratedCurrent Music: Deathcab For Cutie- Photobooth |
| Monday, August 30th, 2004 |
| 12:14 am |
I Like Fun Times....
So i have an exchange student from Germany living with me and i love her already. shes the cutest ever. her name is Anja. she had her first ever slurpee the other day and she loved it. Went Bowling with Kyle, Jay, Shory, Krysta and Anja...boys against girls...and the winner isssss The BOYS...boooo. oh well we also played pool. it was a good time. Tonight Lee and i watched Dazed and Confussed...good movie. we went to mcdicks to get a sprite. thats right nothing but a little sprite. haha. it was funny. his car stalled and i laughed. working at 8 tomorrow...boo on that. guess i should be going to bed now. Walter you better caaaaaall me. i miss you. Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: Starfish Hospital - The Paperbacks |
| Sunday, August 22nd, 2004 |
| 9:41 pm |
boys...
so i like this boy and he doesnt like me. typical. i find it happens a lot to me. its kinda sad because i have really liked him for a long time and once even told him.(i was intoxicated). i dont think he knows i like him now and even if he did i dont think it would change things. i dont know where he is in his life when it comes to girls right about now. but i know hes not thinking of me like im thinking of him. we are really good friends so im scared to talk to him about it. only because im scared that it would make things weird and uncomfortable. i love him too much as a friend to lose him like that. one time we even got close. i mean touchy and rubby and nice things like that. turns out he was just being affectionate as a friend nothing more. ive had bad luck when it comes to love and it sucks. sometimes i think about giving up all together. but that would suck more. so im hanging in there. barely. |
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